I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
3 2 1 whiskey
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
