new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
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