I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
