thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
