Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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