wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
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