you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
