I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
