im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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