I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
My vagina just recognized that song.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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