the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I just had sex on a roof
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
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