he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
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