the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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