sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Randomize
