You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
