My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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