I haven't been this sober since birth.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
they're like a gay fantastic four
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We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
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Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize