I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
nutella sex= disaster
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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