My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
