Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
