Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
