and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
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You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
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P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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