I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I think people are normalizing furries
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I'm bleeding and have questions
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
