dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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