I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
