Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
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