I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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