I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
