So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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