everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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