I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
