how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I fill condoms, not promises.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
