Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
one two three fourrrrnication!
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Randomize
