so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize