Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
