he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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