So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
