Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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