You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
