Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
should my penis look like a turkey
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
