I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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