you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
