Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
