Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
