Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
