Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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