I'm eating all of the evidence.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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