Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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