Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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