My friends, they love my intelligence
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
