The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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