last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
