She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
splinters make it hard to masturbate
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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