i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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