What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
