Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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