I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
