mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
