dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
